Have you ever been out with friends, surrounded by people you care about and genuinely enjoy being with but still you can’t shake that feeling of loneliness? Have you ever been in a relationship where your needs were not being met, you gave everything and got scraps in return, but the fear of being alone has kept you from leaving? But if you were really being honest with yourself, you were more alone in the relationship than you would have been leaving it.
I recall a conversation with one of my clients where she expressed the following, “I’m always surrounded by these amazing people, but still I feel so alone. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand why I feel so alone when I’m not. It makes me feel selfish and self-centered because I enjoy their company, but I can’t help but feel alone and disconnected. Like I don’t fit in or have anything to contribute.”
Why is it that she can feel so lonely even when surrounded by friends and loved ones?
The feeling of being lonely is often confused with the idea or fear of being alone. But it is possible to feel lonely even when you are with people or in a relationship. And it is also possible to feel completely fulfilled when you are alone, or by yourself.
When we feel lonely around other people it usually has more to do with being disconnected from ourselves. And when we are disconnected from ourselves it makes it hard for us to form connections with other people. You feel empty, like something is missing and try seeking external connections to fill that void. We think that surrounding ourselves with people and distractions will make us feel better, but loneliness is more about the connection we have with ourselves than it is about the connections we have with others.
One of my clients described a situation that I know many of you can relate to. She went out to celebrate a friend’s birthday. She had been feeling lonely and a bit isolated lately so she thought it would be good for her to be with her friends. They were meeting at a place that she normally wouldn’t go to, but decided to try it since she had never been. Unfortunately, the music was so loud that they were shouting at each other the entire time. She found it hard to engage in conversations and started to feel out of place and she basically ended up eating dinner by herself. She was frustrated because she thought she should be able to have a good time with her friends. But instead of feeling connected to everyone, she felt more alone than if she had just stayed home by herself. The situation brought her down. It made her feel like she didn’t fit in and that she didn’t have anything in common with them. She just kept spiraling downward, totally disconnected and ended up going home early.
Does this scenario sound familiar to you? What we need to understand is that feeling lonely and being alone really have more to do with how we feel about ourselves and not necessarily the physical act of being by yourself.
You need to practice being with yourself and not focus on being by yourself.
For you to truly be with yourself and enjoy your own company, you must first learn to love yourself, become your own best friend. Unfortunately many of us are our own worst enemies. We are so hard on ourselves, extremely critical of our actions, holding ourselves to an almost impossible standard. We need to start giving ourselves grace and stop putting everyone else’s needs above our own. Because being with yourself is about self-love and self-acceptance. Until we can truly accept who we are, we won’t be able to form healthy relationships and connections with others, leaving us feeling disconnected, isolated, and alone.
Being alone can be very powerful and helpful during a healing process. Many people value alone time because it is essential to their mental and emotional health. Some people often feel the loneliest when they are with people because of their inability to form connections. And if they don’t understand the difference between being alone and feeling lonely then they often keep trying to surround themselves with people and become frustrated and confused when that doesn’t help.
To understand loneliness, we must first understand that it is so deeply intertwined with our need for belonging, for acceptance, and for connection. According to Brene Brown, “our yearning for belonging is so hardwired that we often try to acquire it by any means possible, including trying to fit in and hustling for approval and acceptance. Connection is in our neurobiology. That is why our experiences of disconnection are so painful and why chronic disconnection leads to social isolation, social anxiety, loneliness, and feelings of powerlessness.”
Maybe your friends haven’t been including you as often in activities or the dynamics of an important relationship have changed. Or like my client, maybe you are lacking a true sense of belonging where you might have joined a group just to feel connected, but don’t really feel like you are being your authentic self.
Unfortunately, we are becoming more and more disconnected the more time we spend on our devices and social media, the phenomenon called the “digital loneliness epidemic.” Connecting with people online might initially fill the void of loneliness, but digital connections can be very surface level and short lived. People that are already feeling lonely and disconnected often seek those superficial connections that they get from social media because it temporarily fulfills an emotional and psychological need to belong. This is also why social media can be so detrimental to our sense of self and create more of a need for acknowledgement, acceptance, and approval from external factors. We see all of these beautiful and happy people on social media with perfect lives, perfect bodies, perfect relationships and we feel like we don’t measure up. That we don’t belong. We can’t compete with these people. But many people feel if they connect with these people online then somehow that will make them feel better about themselves or provide some kind of validation.
How many of you know people who post things on social media and count the amount of likes they get? Sadly much of what our lives have come down to are the number of likes or responses to our posts. Even in my business I look at the posts that have the most likes or reactions and try to use those to inform my future posts. If people are interested in that or that resonates with them then I am going to do it again. So when young people post pictures of themselves doing something or saying something and it gets attention, they will repeat the behavior. It is important for these people that are influencers to show their followers that they can be both. You can go through pain and come out on the other side. A client of mine often defined her success in life by what others would think about her and her accomplishments. She would often say to me, “I can’t fail because people will be disappointed in me. If they think I am smart and successful then they will accept me.”
”Our yearning for belonging is so hardwired that we often try to acquire it by any means possible, including trying to fit in and hustling for approval and acceptance.” -Brene Brown
Learning to just “be”with yourself and form a connection with yourself is one of the hardest things to do. Allowing yourself to “be” in the present, to feel complete and at peace with yourself without relying on external factors like social media to define your existence is essential to your ability to form connections with others. Many of us avoid being present because we are afraid to confront our ego, which is where we hide the feelings of shame, guilt, regrets and resentment. But the more we try to suppress these feelings, the more powerful they become.
Being present means putting your attention and intention in the here and now, instead of thinking about all the things that you should have done or could have done.
So lets practice being present. Lets take time to form an authentic connection with ourselves so that we no longer rely on external factors to define who we are. You got this Boo!
Let’s work together!
Book a discovery session with Yudy today to kickstart your journey to self love and to living the life you deserve.
