Making mistakes is an inherent human quality. If you don’t make mistakes you are definitely not a normal human being anymore. If we are unable to forgive ourselves, we will certainly not be able to properly forgive others. – A View on Buddhism, retrieved on May 28, 2022: https://viewonbuddhism.org/guilt.html
Why are we so hard on ourselves?
If self-forgiveness is the antidote to shame, why is it so hard for us to actually forgive ourselves? Why does guilt or shame come so easily to us, but self-forgiveness feels almost impossible?
Guilt and/or shame begin to manifest during the early stages of childhood.
A child often learns to internalize feelings of inadequacy because they are afraid of disappointing their parents, teachers, coaches, or really any authority figure in their lives. Hiding these feelings of guilt and shame becomes a means of survival for the child, but when they are not dealt with, can seriously impact their adulthood.
To understand how and why this happens, we must first define the terms.
GUILT happens when you feel like you did something wrong or failed an obligation that either hurt you or someone else and you need to fix it to stop feeling guilty. Guilt is an outward feeling. You know that the behavior-oriented action is wrong, but it doesn’t necessarily have any reflection on your self-worth. Guilt, when channeled productively, can be a catalyst for significant change, and for the individual to create boundaries around what they find acceptable or not acceptable.
SHAME, on the other hand, takes it to another level. Shame emerges when you feel like you did something wrong AND that you feel like something must also be inherently wrong with you as a person to “allow” or to “cause” it to happen. The feelings about the event or action are focused inward on yourself and not on the actual behavior. Unlike guilt, shame is rarely a conduit for positive, healthy change.
Shame is an awful sensation we feel in the pit of our stomach. It almost knocks the breath out of you. And at that moment you wish you were invisible, that you could just disappear.
The less we talk about it, the more control it has over us. According to Brene Brown, “Shame hates being spoken because Shame thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment.”
So why then is shame such a devastating force?
Because as humans we have a primal need for connection and when that need is disrupted or threatened by shame the impact can be devastating. This need for belonging and acceptance is embedded in our DNA and shame threatens that. Shame brings about a fear of not being accepted, of being unworthy of that acceptance, and creates a lot of self-punishment, toxic inner talk, and negative labels – like “I’m stupid. I’m an idiot. I’m pathetic.”
We often feel Shame when we violate certain expectations or societal norms that we think we should follow. For example, society has taught women that having one-night stands or having multiple partners is wrong and society will brand you as “easy,” “loose,” or even a “slut.” So a woman that is labeled as “easy” or a “slut” will most likely feel ashamed and unworthy.
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” -Brene Brown
Shame is a common theme with many of my clients. Often they have suppressed the feelings for so long that they don’t even realize the impact that it has had on their lives.
One of my clients, Autumn, bravely volunteered to talk about her experience with shame, the impact that it has had on her life, and her journey towards self-forgiveness. From her experience working with me, she understands that Shame can’t thrive as long as we talk about it and bring it out into the open.
I wanted Autumn to share her story with you because Shame deeply affects children and teens. The uncertainty about dealing with external or high expectations can lead to feelings of Shame, especially when, like Autumn, we are afraid to disappoint our parents, teachers, or any other important person in our lives. We create a mental standard that most of the time is impossible to measure up to – we are afraid of making mistakes, especially when other people rely on us for their wellbeing.
We develop people-pleasing tendencies, which include a lack of boundaries, an inability to say no, or overextending ourselves to help someone else. By sharing Autumn’s experience, our hope is to bring awareness to the negative impact that shame can have on your life if you let it build up inside of you.
From a very young age, Autumn battled feelings of Shame and self-loathing. Due to circumstances at home, Autumn was forced to grow up much faster than most kids. Her mom served in the military and like so many of our brave veterans, suffered from PTSD. Because her mother was not always able to care for herself, Autumn had to take on the role of primary caregiver at a very young age, which is a burden that should not be placed on a child.
Through our work together, Autumn learned how to release the shame by practicing self-love and self-compassion. Here is Autumn’s story in her own words:
“I had judged myself so harshly for things that happened to me as a child and later on during my teenage years. For many years I felt like I was not worthy of love.
Feeling unworthy created all sorts of challenges for me like my inability to set boundaries, say no, or advocate for myself.
I was drawn to toxic relationships, especially with the men in my life. I always felt like I was supposed to take responsibility for everything.
I was the one that would sacrifice pieces of myself to make things work. I felt like I did not have the right to ask to be treated equally – almost like they had the right to expect the best from me, but I was not to expect anything from them.
I had to accept feeling rejected or unloved because questioning or asking for more would only cause problems. I allowed these men to put me down signaling to them that it was ok for them to treat me poorly.
I put a lot of pressure on myself because I had to make the relationship work. If he didn’t like something then I had to change it. If he was unhappy then I had to do whatever I could to make him happy. I did not know how to say NO. I felt like it was my responsibility to carry my partners’ and loved ones’ lives as easy as possible, even if that meant sacrificing myself.
When I began working with Yudy, one of the most freeing things I learned was about boundaries – how to set them and how to enforce them. Learning about boundaries helped me to see how I wanted to be treated, which ultimately started with how I treated myself.
I was constantly battling myself. For a long time, I put myself down and judged my actions harshly.
Working with Yudy helped me tremendously. In one of our sessions, I remember she asked what the teen who took on the role of primary caregiver was looking for the most?
I realized that I was in survival mode most of my life. Because for a long time, I felt like I had to do everything right – make my mom proud and create an income to help her. All I wanted was to feel accepted and loved by my mom. I had put a lot of pressure on myself to do well in school and keep the modeling contract that I had earned in Milan at 16 years old.
Yudy then asked me to look at the child that I was before I turned 16 and spend some time with her. To look at her from a place of non-judgment. When I did, I saw how worried I was all the time. Worried about rationing my final $20, worried about my mom, worried about myself.
And I was mad. I saw my inner child at 12 years old with the responsibilities of an adult, but without the knowledge or resources of one. I was struggling to take care of myself and my mom. I was stressed and frantic and felt so alone.
I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. The sense of responsibility was overwhelming and I felt like the only person I could rely on was myself. After seeing all of this, it was no surprise that at 16 years old, I allowed people to treat me so badly just so I could feel accepted.
Yudy told me that shame can only be healed when there is self-compassion, and self-compassion can only come to light if we are able to forgive ourselves for whatever transgressions we think we did to deserve this sense of unworthiness.
I was able to see that at 16 years old I just wanted to be accepted, to belong. It took a lot of journaling and self-reflection before I could find self-compassion, let alone self-forgiveness.
By sitting in non-judgment I finally learned to treat my inner child as a child. But in my mind, I thought she should know better…be better. It took me sitting with her every day to understand that she was just a child. A child that was forced to grow up so fast, but still she had accomplished so much with little to no guidance.
Yudy helped me see that I never gave myself grace. I didn’t even know what that meant. For me, giving myself grace meant learning to say no, asking better questions, and setting boundaries. I could only do that when I could forgive myself for what I thought I did wrong. Being able to release the shame, forgive myself, and give myself grace has been the greatest gift of all!
Boundaries are a part of my new world. Now when I feel uncomfortable or misguided, or expected to do something that I don’t want to do, I know that I have a voice and a choice to say NO.
But I did say YES to one important thing recently! I’m getting married this year! I am happy and I actually feel like I deserve to be happy. I feel like I finally deserve all the good things that life has to offer.
“Being able to release the shame, forgive myself, and give myself grace has been the greatest gift of all!”
I hope that by sharing Autumn’s story, you will see that you do not have to carry around the burden of Shame and self-loathing. That it is possible to learn self-forgiveness and self-compassion because when I’m fully accepting of myself I am opening the door to happiness, and joy. And we all deserve to be joyful.
ABOUT AUTUMN
I was born in Tallahassee and grew up in the south in a military family, but it was my 12 years of modeling experience that ended up taking me all over the world.
Over the past 13 years I’ve had the good fortune of traveling the world modeling and working with some of the largest fashion brands, including Valentino, GUESS, and Victoria’s Secret. I’ve also had the unique opportunity to be photographed by some of the top photographers in the world and featured in Maxim, Glamour, Shape, Men’s Health, and Cosmopolitan.
Staying in shape has always been a part of my job, and I naturally developed a passion for fitness as my unpredictable and hectic work and travel schedule made me realize that physical and mental wellness is so important to living my best life. I always found that physical strength translated into emotional toughness and my goal is to help others in their journey to getting fit, feeling better, and having fun!