From the unseen, unheard, & the unknown. From irrelevant to resilient – this is your story as much as it is mine!
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I wanted to share my story for the first time publicly in hopes that it will help others who are suffering and have suffered. You are not alone.
NOTE: If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted please contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or click here to chat with someone live.
It was nearing the end of 2021 and I had become so busy with work and the holidays that I hadn’t even realized that I had neglected my garden. At the beginning of winter, I told myself that I needed to prepare the foundation for next year’s planting. Since I am an amateur gardener, I do not follow a planting calendar so, by the time I got around to tending to my garden, I was already behind.
I still wanted to do right by my plants. I was methodical…trimming, cutting, removing the dead leaves, and remembering how beautiful my garden had been and would be again.
But what I wasn’t prepared for was the strong emotional response that I had to this process. Watching my plants shrink and wilt – becoming smaller as the weather got colder and the days shorter, facing down instead of straight up struck something deep inside of me.
My plants that were once so full of life were now dead–literally dead. And it was then that it hit me how much these plants reminded me of myself at one time in my life. Something about seeing these plants shriveled up and dried out triggered the painful memories and suffering from my past.
Like the plants, I had been so full of life, but in an instant that had all changed.
When I was seven years old my dad passed away. He was the person that I loved the most in this world and just like that he was gone. He was my protector, my hero, and after he died I felt so lost and alone.
A part of me started to wilt and shrivel up inside. I couldn’t understand why there was an emptiness inside of me, a void that I just couldn’t fill no matter how hard I tried.
A few years later I suffered another devastating loss…the loss of my innocence. When I was twelve years old I was molested. It was a family member. Being molested by someone in the family created a lot of fear, anxiety, and uncertainty, and even depression in my life. I learned not to trust anyone and like the dried tomato plants, I literally felt dead inside for years.
I was no longer the joyful, innocent child that I once was. Instead I felt shame, disgust, and self-rejection.
These feelings grew like weeds inside of me, suffocating me until I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I was terrified to tell someone that I was being abused. I was afraid that nobody would believe me, that nobody would help me. I was scared that they would say I let it happen. That I should have been able to stop it.
I was so scared of being called a liar and accused of “allowing” it to happen that I actually convinced myself that I was to blame for the abuse. l told myself that it had to be my fault. That I must have done something to deserve it. Why would God allow this to happen to a child? I must be getting punished for doing something wrong.
I don’t know how I got the courage to confront my abuser, but one day I did. I ran after him after he tried to touch me while I was sleeping. I looked into his eyes with all the hatred and rage of someone tired of carrying the weight of the world on her little shoulders and said “this is the last time you put your dirty hands on me – you will stop or I will tell my mom.” He disappeared, and after a few days or weeks, I can’t remember with accuracy how long it was, he was found dead. I felt so much guilt and shame because, on the one hand I felt like it was my fault that he took his life. Yet on the other hand I was so relieved that I would no longer have to be afraid of him.
So I continued to keep my mouth shut. I pushed everything down further and further..all the pain, all of the guilt and shame was pushed so far down that I couldn’t feel it anymore. I even started to convince myself that the abuse was actually a nightmare, a bad dream. It never happened to me. It must have happened to someone else.
“I pushed everything down further and further..all the pain, all of the guilt and shame was pushed so far down that I couldn’t feel it anymore.”
For years I lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety. I hated myself and what I had become.
I had everything to be happy for-a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, a successful career, but inside I was suffering. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even bring myself to hug my own baby girl.
I was so afraid that I would somehow contaminate her. What if I touched her I would transfer all of those bad feelings to her so I didn’t show her affection. I loved her so much but I was not worthy of her love. I was not worthy of having something so precious and wonderful in my life.
“I hated myself and what I had become.”
I continued to numb the pain, using food and alcohol to the point where I was overweight and so unhealthy that my heart gave up on me.
At the age of 36, I suffered a cardiovascular episode brought on by irresponsible lifestyle choices, medications, and high levels of stress. I decided that enough was enough. I could not live this way any longer. I needed to make a radical change.
I took a moment to remember the process of planting my garden – the unknown, researching, understanding the soil, what was lacking – what was needed – the position of the sun, composting, seedlings. It reminded me of my own life, my journey. I needed to find ways in which I could feel whole again and live in my body and feel at peace.
I remembered how hard it was to face all of my fears. How frustrating the process was.
Slowly I started believing in myself and believing that there was no way in hell that I would ever make up a story about being molested. It was real. It had happened to me and I had suppressed it for so many years.
I had to face it head-on and give myself the chance to heal. To let go of the shame and the suffering.
I had to find a place where I could love and accept myself once more. A place where I could find a sense of peace and happiness….MY GARDEN!
“I decided enough was enough…..I needed to a radical change.”
That first year I grew 22 tomato plants, each one supported by two sticks so the wind would not knock them down. These sticks represented the people that supported me along the way because I could not do it alone. I had my husband and family, but I also hired a coach and talked regularly with my spiritual guide.
And even when I would falter, they would help me get back up, encourage me to keep going, to continue growing and moving forward.
I poured so much love into my plants, watering them, moving the soil, planting them in the ground one by one.
This was the same way I learned how to take care of myself -with intention, one day at a time – feeding myself better food, exercising, getting reacquainted with the level of love and acceptance that I had felt as a child when my father was alive.
It was so exciting to watch my plants flourish and grow. They were thriving and the little baby tomato sprouts got bigger and ripened into beautiful tomatoes. Once they were ripe enough, I picked them to feed my family. I made tomato soup and salsa verde.
The sense of peace that I felt was exactly how I felt when I forgave myself for the things I was not responsible for – my father’s death, the sexual abuse. None of them were my fault.
Every day I took a step in the right direction. It took me a year to lose 90 lbs and another year to heal the anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, and one more year to learn how to connect with people in a different way and create healthy relationships with myself and others.
Slowly but surely a new me was emerging – I was reborn, renewed.
I learned that in order to really bloom I needed to learn to forgive my abuser- understanding that forgiving was not for him but for me because the more I hated him, the more power I gave him over my life. By forgiving him and letting go of the shame and guilt I was able to reclaim my own sense of self. It was one of the hardest, and also one of the most liberating things, I have ever done and it changed my life forever.
“I learned that in order to really bloom I needed to forgive my abuser- understanding that forgiving was not for him but for me because the more I hated him, the more power I gave him over my life.”
I was in a place of real transformation, moving forward and living the life that I wanted to live. Not the one that was expected of me. I changed my career, wrote my first book, and opened my coaching practice.
As I started helping hundreds of people I realized that so much of my story was not just mine – it was their story as well. There are so many people out there that are suffering and we all deserve the chance to heal. The shame and guilt that comes from being sexually abused is not something that we should have to live with.
By turning my worst nightmare into my greatest strength and gift I was able to pay it forward. I’m so grateful for all those people who inspired me along the way – my family, my friends, and my clients – I’m so in love with life and in love with the person that I have become.
“I was in a place of real transformation, moving forward and living the life that I wanted to live. Not the one that was expected of me.”
And just like life, gardening is hard work. It can be a struggle at times. It can be frustrating and we can suffer many setbacks.
Why do we plant? For the same reason, we live – to grow, bloom, and be full of life. We plant for the same reason we breathe – for the promise of a new tomorrow, a new spring, new hopes, new goals, new projects, and new dreams.
Understanding that there is a process and knowing that if I plant hatred – then my fruits are going to be bitter and undesirable – but if I plant compassion my fruits are going to give life and hope!
I garden for the challenge and for the joy. To remind me of how far I’ve come. To remind me to have faith and to trust the process. And even when faced with setbacks or the change of seasons, I won’t give up. I will continue to tend to my garden and take care of myself.
You must have faith that life has your back – have faith in yourself.
Remember that we are wired to rebuild ourselves and that we have the capacity to heal from within.
We are seeds planted in the soil waiting to transform and grow into something beautiful.
Let’s work together to replant our lives with hope and love!
Sending love and light,
Yudy
“From the Shadow of Shame, I became a Light Warrior.
From feeling totally irrelevant I became resilient.
I hear you, I see you, I know you
This is your story as much as it is mine!”
National Sexual Assault Hotline
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted please contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or click here to chat with someone live.