What Does It Mean To Be “Something?” – A Story About Identity and Belonging
Written by Yudy Veras Bueno
Contributing Writer: Christopher Bueno Veras
A special thank you to my son, Christopher, for having the courage to share his story! I am so proud of you!
A few weeks ago I was helping my son, Chris, with his homework assignment on self-identity and what it means to feel like you belong.
We used the poem “Afro-Latina” by Elizabeth Acevedo as a reference for the assignment. As I listened to Ms. Acevedo’s powerful words, I was so deeply touched by her honesty about her own personal struggle to fit in, and her desire for acceptance and belonging.
When we finished listening to the poem, Chris and I began a very deep discussion on the meaning and how it made him feel. We talked about our need for belonging and to feel accepted by our peers. It was during our discussion that he opened up to me about his struggle to fit in and to find his place in the world.
As a mother, it was very difficult for me to listen to my child talk about how much he can relate to Ms. Accevedo’s words. How he sometimes feels the same way – stereotyped and left out. I didn’t realize it upset him when his cousin jokingly called him “gringo,” or when his peers assumed that he plays baseball because that’s what “all Dominicans” do.
Chris said that when he meets people they automatically assume he speaks Spanish or loves baseball. Kids at school would say that he looks Mexican even though he’s Dominican. He would try to brush it off and not let it get to him. But as he thought about it more, it made him feel inadequate and insecure about his appearance. He would compare himself to his relatives and friends, who he assumed looked more Dominican than him. He asked me what it meant to be “something” and if there was such a thing as a “certified Dominican.” Can someone feel Dominican when they don’t speak the language fluently or when they weren’t born on the island? Or if their skin color is neither white or black?
Can someone feel Dominican when they don’t speak the language fluently or when they weren’t born on the island? Or if their skin color is neither white or black?
I took a moment before I responded to him because I knew he was struggling, and as his mom I wanted to be helpful. It upsets me that in this very modern and progressive world that people are still thinking this way, making assumptions and labeling others without understanding the pain they are causing. I told Chris that there is no such thing as a “certified Dominican.” I was born on the island and I speak Spanish fluently, but people still call me gringa or “white passing” because I have light skin. I love my roots and the many “flavors” in which we come as Latinos and Latinas.
I’m proud to be Dominican by birth and blood, I’m also proud to be an American by choice, and most importantly, I’m a proud Latina in America!
I didn’t want to lie to Chris so I was honest about how much it hurts me to be called those names or for people to be surprised when I open my mouth to speak and I have a strong accent. I made sure to stress to him how much I love our culture, our people, our music, our food and everything that we are. But I don’t need to prove anything to anyone because I know what’s in my heart – I’m proud to be Dominican by birth and blood, I’m also proud to be an American by choice, and most importantly, I’m a proud Latina in America! And yes my boy, you are neither white or black – you are the color of cinnamon, like Elizabeth said, you are a beautiful brown boy.
”My Parents’ tongue was a gift which I quickly forgot after realizing my peers did not understand it. They did not understand me.”
-Elizabeth Acevedo, “Afro-Latina”
The more we spoke, I noticed Chris’ attitude changing. He was beginning to realize that trying so hard to fit in wasn’t the answer.
He knows what is in his heart, and that he should embrace and love himself for the smart, handsome and remarkable young Latino man that he is becoming. He’s learning that it’s never ok to make assumptions because you don’t know the full story behind a person’s experience. And if he can be mindful and respectful of others, then others must be mindful and respectful of him!
This conversation made me realize that now more than ever we need to make time to ask our kids how they are feeling. We need to listen and try to understand their struggles, especially when it comes to their identity and their need to belong and to feel loved. We must guide them, support them, and help them embrace who they are as people and not let them be defined by labels or a box that society tries to put them in.