Breaking the Vicious Cycle of Compulsive Thought Patterns and Inner Toxic Self-Talk
Featuring: Aileen Yambo By Yudy Veras Bueno
Did you know that your mind can produce 12,000 to 82,000 thoughts a day?
Mind blowing right?
Yes, this was the exact reaction that Aileen had when I told her that in 2005, the National Science Foundation published an article about how many thoughts an average person thinks per day, and these were the results.
What’s even more astonishing is 85% of those thoughts are negative and 95% are repetitive.
In 1985 a study was conducted at the University of Maryland School of Medicine showed how the internal and external dialogue significantly affects our blood pressure, our hearts, and alters the biochemistry of our bodies.
These studies reveal the quality of our existence rests on the quality of our internal and external communication. It also reveals how our bodies respond to the way we think, feel, and act.
And Aileen’s next thought was…
OMG it explains the crazy overthinking that I do every second of my life…is that the voice that I hear constantly?
Yes, it’s the voice. The little nasty voice in your head that does not allow you to feel at peace. The inner dialogue or self-talk, which is one of the annoying features of your mind. Your mind has the ability to engage in an internal conversation with itself. An inner dialogue most commonly known as the “monkey chatter.”
If you start paying attention as Aileen did, you will notice that when something happens to you, right away you begin an internal commentary about the event. You start asking yourself, almost automatically, certain questions, telling yourself certain things, or creating a story, which gives the event/situation a meaning. This is what’s called thought patterns or self-talk.
This was one of the reasons Aileen Yambo started working with me. She was in constant battle with herself. She realized how this voice was extremely loud. At one point it was all she could hear. And the worst part was, the voice was always critical, judgmental, and had zero tolerance for mistakes.
This self-talk tends to happen in our heads on a daily basis. Aileen was smart enough to notice this dynamic – and she started asking questions about it.
You see, she was ahead of the curve.
A lot of people will say, the voice? What voice?
During these daily inner-conversations, you ask yourself certain questions that determine how you see and react to life. –Aileen noticed and knew it was getting in her way – preventing her from achieving her goals, both personal and business.
What Aileen learned was that the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our thoughts and the inner dialogue. She realized how much this inner toxic dialogue was really hindering her.
Now, if you begin to connect with your inner dialogue you will realize that right now there are specific questions or repetitive thoughts you are having daily, most of the time without even being aware of them.
Before coming to me, Aileen tried what the majority of people do – push or shut the voice away or try to replace with positive thinking or positive affirmations. However, the more she did that, the stronger the patterns became because, as she learned, “what you resist, will persist.”
The Ego-Mind Identity & Belief System:
As you can see, our mind is one of the most powerful tools we have; it can become your best friend or your worst enemy. The mind can be a weapon of self-destruction or self-transformation.
The subconscious mind does not know the difference between what is real and what is unreal.
As soon as you believe something to be true then it becomes “your truth” or “your belief”, and you identify with these beliefs.
These identifications create the ego, which is a mental construct of the self. In my book, The Becoming of a Light Warrior, I called it: the Ego-mind identity. The ego is an important part of your personality because it is concerned with your survival.
When you have a thought about how you perceive yourself and agree with that thought, you are constructing a self-image or ego structure.
The minute you add any statement to “I’m” -such as “I’m shy” – this becomes a label that you give yourself, and as you repeat it, the subconscious will internalize and make it a reality.
Therefore, it is critical you become aware of your thought patterns because it will give you more insight about your ego or your identifications.
These identifications will dictate what you believe to be true about yourself and others.
The ego is always in a constant race to survive, to do things right, to win, to be validated, to be accepted, and to feel like it fits in. It does NOT like making mistakes, and it’s very critical of itself. The ego is always taking notes of what went wrong to use as a reference point to ensure survival.
You might want to get rid of your ego. However, the ego is a survival tool to help you navigate this world. The ego’s job is to give you a sense of boundary and safety. So, the ego is not the problem.
So, what’s the problem? When the ego takes control of a person’s life, and the individual learns to live in constant fear.
When the person is not conscious of their inner dialogue the negative and disempowering thoughts govern their actions.
Aileen was tired of this insane inner dialogue, and naturally asked –
How can we begin to repair the harm created by years of repeated self-toxic talk?
By making friend with your Ego-Mind
So how can you begin this process?
First we must begin paying attention to the voice – becoming aware of what the issue is by listening.
7-Step Process for creating non-judgmental awareness:
- Become Aware of Your Thinking Patterns: Start by listening to yourself and what you are thinking.
- Realize what you are saying or asking yourself constantly: you will begin to notice a pattern. There is a Theme that repeats – and it usually has to do with you feeling like less than, worse than, or not enough.
- Be Ok with not Being Ok: As you notice what the voice is saying, you might feel uncomfortable. For instance, Aileen realized that this inner-dialogue was very negative. And she prides herself on being a very positive person. She did not like this realization. But that’s exactly it – you might not be very comfortable once you begin observing your thoughts, yet this is a critical step for self-transformation.
- Take a deep breath – I call it a cleansing breath, to stop any self-judgment – and remind yourself this is part of the learning. If we don’t become aware of the problem, how can we solve it? NOTE: Take it further, and set an alarm or put reminders on your mirror, in your car, or at your desk to take cleansing breaths during your busy day. – Breathing is the gift of life, literally.
- Listen Attentively – Practice Deep Listening: you can begin listening – the same way you will listen to a good friend who’s in trouble without judgment, but with much needed compassion.
- Now, Ask yourself: what would I say to a good friend in this situation? Likely, you will ask more questions about the situation: “What’s the real concern?” “Is there a fear”, “What’s triggering this fear?” “Where is this fear coming from?
- Give Your Ego Physical Evidence: Finally give your ego physical evidence. remind yourself of a similar situation that you were able to solve successfully -“Is this something new or has happened before?”, “Were you able to deal with it successfully?”, or ask yourself, “What was good about this situation now?” “What can I learn from this?”
Let’s be clear, this isn’t just positive thinking or affirmation, it’s cultivating a healthier relationship with yourself. This process will help you in organizing your mind so that we can function more efficiently and feel better.
Aileen shared that after becoming aware and working on those strong subconscious reference points during our coaching and healing process.
At the beginning, she said, the voice was all I could hear, it was overpowering, negative, very critical and nasty sometimes. Now, I barely hear it – it’s not loud anymore – and rarely there unless a big change takes place.
Tears started coming out as she described her new sense of peace:
“Yudy, I feel so light, so at peace within myself. I’m happy, and the most amazing thing is that nothing has changed on the outside – well, something changed, I found a great person and partner in my life- yet, this is only possible because of all the changes that took place within myself as we worked together.”
Aileen is describing the sense of Inner Peace that comes only from making peace with yourself.
As the voice is not overpowering her thinking anymore, she naturally has become more open to listening. Listening in an effortless manner. She can pinpoint when other people are coming from a place of survival and fear – when their ego is engaged. She listens to what they are saying and she can relate because for many years she was acting out of her own fears and projecting those to others without even being aware of it.
Now she is conscious of her actions instead of going through the motions of living she feels connected with herself and others on a deeper level – and for that she is totally grateful.
I was moved by her words and heartfelt tears – I was inspired to share one of the assignments I give my clients with all of you:
Start by watching your thoughts, like a movie screen. You know the images are there, but they don’t have the power to control you… you are an observer. Allow this process to happen naturally without forcing anything or passing judgment. Learn to become compassionate about this process.
Now go ahead and answer the following questions:
- What sort of thought patterns and inner questions are your mind asking?
- What are you asking yourself daily?
- Are these patterns creating fear, insecurities, and stress?
- How does it feel to be in constant fear or feeling unclear about what you truly want?
- What is the cost of you now feeling this way?
- How is this inner dialogue affecting your personal life, relationships, work, career, business?
- How long have you lived this way? Feeling less than, worse than, or not enough – comparing yourself to others – not being able to say NO without feeling guilty – thinking that something in you is wrong or feeling ashamed?
- What are you doing now to solve these challenges?
- Do you want to solve these challenges?
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During the holiday season & colder months selfcare gets more difficult and so does managing your inner voice. Do you find yourself staying home and unable to motivate yourself….? Make the winter months productive for your business. When things are slow you can focus on you and your mental health so that your business flourishes.
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This week’s client feature is Aileen Yambo:
Aileen is a dedicated realtor who prides herself on giving the best service in NYC and Westchester County, NY. She has been in the industry for 13 years and has a proven track record for results. As a Listing Agent she employs her experience in advanced marketing, staging, and design to give her Sellers the advantage they need in today’s Real Estate Market. When working as a Buyer’s Agent, Aileen has enormous skills, experience, knowledge, and dedication in finding the right home for her buyers. Aileen has wonderful interpersonal skills which makes it easy to connect to and understand people’s needs which makes her the most valuable Realtor® for her clients. More importantly, she listens to find solutions that are customized to their needs to help them attain their real estate goals. Aileen is fluent in both Spanish and English.