When was the exact moment I became powerless to him? I have tried so hard to think back to the very beginning of our relationship and pinpoint when it happened. If I could just remember the exact moment when things changed then I could figure out why it happened. How I let someone like him into my life.
The truth is that it isn’t just one moment, it is a collection of moments overtime that build up, chip away, and eventually render you helpless and powerless.
I thought I was smart enough and experienced enough to see the signs. To recognize the red flags that, when looking back, were like flares and sirens going off, but still somehow I missed them, or maybe I just chose to ignore them.
I have racked my brain time and again trying to figure out how this could happen to me. How a smart, strong, and successful woman who had the privilege of traveling around the country, the world even, with Presidential candidates, Former Presidents and other top government officials, could lose herself like that.
How someone who had the courage to start her own business did not have the courage to leave this relationship, and allow herself to become reduced to a hollow, empty shell of who she once was. I could feel myself slipping away, consumed by shame, embarrassment and utter disgust for the person that I had become.
When people first meet me, they often describe me as confident, outgoing, and maybe even a little intimidating. Those that know me well would say the same thing, except they would also say I am kind, compassionate, and thoughtful. I needed to project self-confidence to protect myself from getting hurt. It was my defense mechanism.
If I could make people believe I had it together on the outside then they wouldn’t see the pain and suffering that I felt on the inside. It wasn’t until my emotionally abusive relationship ended and I started working with Yudy that I realized that my self-confidence was just a mask for my pain and that my self-worth was basically nonexistent.
If I asked you what traits make someone more susceptible to an emotionally abusive relationship, I bet the majority of you would describe someone that you perceive to be weak, someone who has experienced trauma, or comes from a broken home. Yes. Those might be true for many, but the reality is that anyone can end up in an emotionally abusive relationship. Because I definitely do not fit that mold and I was in one for 5 years.
As I continue to heal and tell my story, many people are shocked that “someone like me” could ever be in an emotionally abusive relationship. One person said to me “I would never believe that you could or would put up with someone treating you that way.” And I would have said the same thing. I never believed it either, but it happened.
You see, narcissists love you at your best. They want someone who has it all together. They want someone who is smart, outgoing, fun to be around, and successful. They need you to be impressive so that others envy them. In the initial stage of the relationship, they idealize you, love bombing you and showering you with praise, telling you how wonderful you are and how great you make them feel.
How you make them feel is the key. They need you to make them feel good because they are unable or incapable of feeling good about themselves on their own.
What I didn’t know was that over time, the way I made him feel would diminish as the relationship progressed. My feelings for him continued to grow stronger the more time we spent together, but my value and worth to him in his mind got less and less, which meant that I could no longer make him feel better about himself.
I couldn’t do enough or say enough to show him that I loved him. To make him see how much I wanted to be with him.
Once a narcissist has decided that you no longer hold any value, they will discard you, and / or they find someone else that will fulfill their needs. Discarding doesn’t necessarily mean that they leave you. Discarding means that you are no longer the object of their affection because you can’t give them what they need.
In my relationship, discarding meant that I was ignored, sometimes for days and weeks at a time. He would make plans with friends and not include me, he would withhold affection and sex. He would be distant and stop communicating with me. We were still in a relationship but I was not getting the version of him that I fell in love with. Someone else was likely getting it. That was a hard pill to swallow.
I was in total and complete denial that he would ever cheat on me…until I caught him…more than once. But like me, that person would eventually lose value in his mind, and he would come back to me and all would be right in my world again. This was the cycle that I endured for 5 years.
“What I didn’t know was that over time, the way I made him feel would diminish as the relationship progressed….and my value and worth to him got less and less.”
Ok so how does someone who is smart, independent, strong, and successful like me get into a relationship like this?
Like I said, there isn’t one moment in time that I can pinpoint that would have allowed me to see this coming. However, the one thing I learned working with Yudy was my need for love and acceptance was extremely high, which meant that I would do almost anything to fulfill that need. And because my need for love and to be loved was so intense, I thought I hit the jackpot when I met him. I had finally found a man who wasn’t afraid to tell me how he felt, a man who loved me and wanted me, and I ate all that shit up…hook, line and sinker.
When I first met him he was the most amazing, kind, funny and loving person. He showered me with compliments, told me I was beautiful, made sure he bought me all my favorite snacks for road trips.
He listened.
He made me feel special.
He was thoughtful.
He wanted to spend every minute with me so any time he could spare away from his work or family (yes he was married) he would spend it with me. He would take me away on weekend trips, helped me move twice, and was even my ride home after a minor surgery.
He called me everyday and texted me good morning and good night no matter where he was.
He was my knight in shining armor.
He would hug me when I was upset and protect me from anyone that wanted to hurt me.
He made me feel safe and secure and when he would get upset about me hanging out with my friends I would feel good knowing he wanted to be with me.
Sounds amazing right? That’s because it was amazing! And all of those amazing things are what kept me coming back for more. They are why I stayed for so long…because I thought he was capable of being that person again. If I could just hang in there a little longer, do a little more for him then surely that person would come back, right?
WRONG!
That person was never coming back because that person never existed in the first place.
Narcissists don’t start out showing their true colors. Because if they did wouldn’t you be able to see it and walk away? Like I said, it’s a gradual process.
The first red flag was the ridiculous fights over really small things. My way of fighting is to talk it out and resolve things and move on. His way was to blame, deflect, give me the silent treatment and drag it out for days. Something as simple as not closing the trash can lid or putting the coffee creamer away could send him spiraling out of control.
Another red flag was him trying to force me to give up things that were important to me, and then the jealousy and possessiveness. He would make demands about things he wanted me to do or not do and I would say no and a fight would ensue. I was trying desperately to hold on to myself. He always thought I would meet someone else. Trying to convince him or show him that he was the only person I loved was not easy. He would tell me he was the ugliest and fattest guy I’ve been with and that I would leave him. He was so vulnerable and I felt bad that he was so upset. Again I would reassure him. Tell him he is the only one for me. That he is the man that I love, not any of those other guys.
All of this led to isolation. Isolating me from my friends and family to maintain control over my life.
I gave up my male friends first. Then it was any female friends that he didn’t know or deemed a threat to him. A threat to him was someone that could see through his bullshit and might try to get me to leave him.
Now I consider myself to be a smart person and I am also very intuitive. I pride myself on reading situations and behavior to either elicit a response or to avoid one. But with him, it was really hard to figure it out because one day it was the trash can and then the next day it was that I took too long in the bathroom or I forgot to make his coffee. He wasn’t consistent so it was hard for me to adjust my behavior to avoid the conflict.
The volatile and inconsistent moods was another red flag that I chose to ignore. Instead I tried to be perfect. I tried everything to avoid being berated, ignored, demeaned, shamed. I walked on eggshells always waiting for the next blow up and never knowing when it would come.
Whatever he wanted I gave it to him. I gave up 2 of my jobs for him because he didn’t want me traveling so much. He didn’t like me interacting with other men at all. I had to change male colleagues’ names in my phone to female names.
I lived in his world. His reality. Which also meant that whatever he said was the truth. This was probably the biggest red flag of all…gaslighting.
He had me thinking I was crazy and delusional and I often took the blame for things that I didn’t even do. If he got it into his head that I was lying about something he would keep questioning me, interrogating me until he got the answer he wanted. It’s like cops soliciting false confessions from people. He wouldn’t leave it alone until I admitted I was lying or wrong about something even when I was 1000% sure that I was telling him the truth.
He was relentless, hounding me over and over again, mostly accusations that I was cheating. He projected everything onto me telling me I was manipulative, a liar and a cheater when it was him that was those things.
But he said it to me so often that I truly started to believe him. I admitted to things that were not true just to make him stop.
If I gave him the answer he did not want or think was the truth then I was a liar and I would be punished. Punishment was withholding sex, depriving me of affection, ignoring me, berating me. He exploited every single one of my insecurities. Used them to punish me and “keep me in line.” He knew what to take away from me and what to give me and when.
It usually happened right when I was at my breaking point. I remember feeling like he could sense when I had enough and was ready to throw in the towel. That was when he would use those insecurities to benefit him.
He would stop depriving me of love and attention. Instead he would shower me with it, be super attentive and loving.
He had his “tells.” Those things that he did that made me feel like I was the center of his universe again.
It was a vicious cycle that went on for 5 years. I told myself that he was worth it. Because I had seen the good side of him. Because I knew he could be that person he was at the beginning of the relationship.
But the truth is that person doesn’t exist. He was just giving me what I wanted and what I needed in order to fulfill his needs.
Nothing that he ever did was for me or about me. For a narcissist, everything is always about them. Doesn’t matter what it is, they only do what they have to do to get what they want. The hardest part is accepting that they will never change, not for you and not for anyone else.
Life becomes a series of ups and downs, a never ending cycle of toxicity. And trust me when I say that I really tried to break the cycle. I tried so hard to figure out the pattern, to read the signs and the cues so that I could keep things from falling apart. I was damn near perfect, but it didn’t matter because perfection does not exist in his world. I thought I did everything right, but it was never enough. I was never enough.
Emotional abuse is so hard to overcome…it is the silent killer of self-worth. It is the kind of abuse that you can’t see, but it leaves internal scars on the heart, it bruises your soul.
These people are good at what they do. They know how to break you down slowly…little by little without you even knowing it until one day you are too far gone to do anything about it.
But I am here as living proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel. As I continue on my journey of self-discovery and healing, I hope that you will consider doing the same.
Part of this healing is writing and sharing my story. Stay tuned for more on how I slowly gained my life back, found my true essence, and have come out stronger than ever. If you can relate to my story please share your comments.
And to learn more about Yudy Veras Bueno and how her coaching program saved my life, visit www.yveras.com.
I want to leave you with an excerpt from my journal that I wrote not too long after the break up.
I want to preface this by saying it is not easy for me to share this. I’m being very vulnerable here and would ask that you not judge me. I am writing my story, not so someone can feel sorry for me, instead so that we can create awareness.
This can truly happen to anyone. And most importantly, so you can see what abuse and gaslighting can do over time to someone’s mental and emotional state. I’m writing so that you can see the red flags and flares – and if you are in a situation like this – I want you to please get help – If I was able to get out – you can get out too. You deserve to rebuild your life.
When you asked me why I wanted to be with you and if I thought this was working for me. The fact that I couldn’t answer either question says something. I can’t say that you are sweet and kind because you aren’t. Only when you want something or feel guilty.
I can’t say that you are honest because you aren’t. You lie and withhold information from me all the time. I can’t say that you are considerate or selfless because when you know something is important to me you purposely don’t do it or say it. I can’t say that you’re an amazing lover because you yourself admitted that you know what pleases me but choose not to do it.
I can’t say that you are my best friend because when I tell you my most intimate thoughts you laugh at me. I can’t say that you support me because everything I have ever wanted to do you either tell me I can’t do it or make me feel like I can’t.
I can’t say that you loved me because you refused to say it back. And I can’t say that you care because you can so easily walk away from the one person who would have done anything for you.
What I can say is that you are mean, selfish, emotionally abusive and cruel. And I can say that you are stupid because you let me go. And yet at this moment I would give anything to have you back.