They say that time heals all wounds. But time itself cannot heal the wounds. What you choose to do during that time is what actually heals the wounds. Your chosen actions-how you choose to handle the hurt and the pain is what will eventually heal those wounds.
I began telling you my story in last month’s blog. I wanted to share with you what I went through because I know there are so many more women out there in similar situations. I wanted to show you that you are not alone and that there is hope.
But first you need to know that it sometimes gets worse before it gets better, but trust me…it does get better. It gets so much better! If you haven’t had a chance to read the first chapter of my story, you can find it here.
As I sit here writing this, it has been exactly a year since I got out of my emotionally abusive relationship, a year since it felt like my life had ended. This has been one of the most difficult years of my life, but it has also been one of the most rewarding and liberating too.
If you did read my last blog and can relate to my story then right now you might be thinking “I want to get out, but I don’t know how.” Or, “I love him so much that maybe this time he will change.” Trust me, those were the thoughts that went through my head on a daily basis. Those were the thoughts that kept me in the relationship for 5 years.
I kept thinking “I don’t want to start over…something is better than nothing.” I told myself that as long as I had someone then I would be ok. I allowed myself to feel like I wasn’t good enough day in and day out just so that I could have someone in my life. Just so I wouldn’t be alone.
Who would I go on vacation with? Who would I spend the holidays with? Who would I go to concerts and football games with? Who would I cook for? I used to think that because we liked doing so much of the same activities that it was worth it. That we always had fun together. Would I ever meet someone who I could have that much fun with? See Side Note.
It’s hard to describe exactly what it feels like when your entire world comes crashing down around you in an instant. I can still remember when he looked at me and said he wanted to end our relationship. We had just returned from a two week vacation together so of course this caught me off guard. I felt numb, my stomach immediately tied up in knots, and I couldn’t breathe.
Of course he was supportive and apologetic and told me I could slowly move my things out of his place. He hadn’t expressed his feelings in a long time and so of course he chose to do so while we were breaking up. I was devastated. But I guess in some ways it was like a weight had been lifted off of me. I was kind of relieved. I was always waiting for this day to come.
I walked on eggshells trying to be perfect to keep this from happening, but I think deep down I knew that this would always be the outcome.
What happened over the next couple of days and weeks were kind of a blur. I moved my stuff out of his place and I threw myself into my work.
But l want to be honest with you. While I had felt some relief, I really didn’t think it was completely over. Deep down inside I held out hope that we would get back together. That he would change his mind and we would work it out.
We had been in terrible fights and “broken up” before, but always managed to “work it out.”. The worst it ever was we still managed to get back together. So I was hopeful that we would. I figured he just needed to miss me.
I cried every day. I cried myself to sleep. I cried in my sleep. I couldn’t do all the things I used to do to distract myself because I had no friends. I let them all go to avoid the fights.
I was sad all the time. I felt like my entire life had just blown up in front of my eyes. Everything I had known was gone and since I lived in his world, I had no idea what I was doing.
“I allowed myself to feel like I wasn’t good enough day in and day out just so that I could have someone in my life. Just so I wouldn’t be alone.”
My journal entries from those first few weeks were very similar to the one above. I felt like I would never feel good again. I didn’t think that I would ever get through the pain. So when people say “hang in there. time heals all wounds,” I say hell no it doesn’t. The only way to heal the wounds is to choose to face them head on, to be intentional and committed to the process, so that as time moves on, you are healing.
You can’t just push things down and not deal with them. I did that for most of my life. I pretended like everything was ok. I was strong and nothing could bring me down. We convince ourselves and everyone else that we are fine and we just look for distraction after distraction to take our minds off of the hurt. I had done that exact thing before and look where it got me? Stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years. I didn’t want to go down that path again.
Being hurt and upset did not make me weak. It made me human.
I had to accept that this was my reality right now, but that it was not going to be my reality forever as long as I was committed to the process of healing.
I had a choice. I could distract myself with all the things I used to….partying, men, work and just have this shit happen to me again OR I could choose myself for once. Put my needs above everyone else’s and begin the process of healing.
What I didn’t realize was that I would have to deal with the shame, guilt and embarrassment from my past if I had any hope of moving forward. I was terrified that I would become that self-destructive person again. But I was not going to let him control my life anymore. He had controlled it during our relationship, but he was not going to control it now after we broke up. But just because I declared that I was going to stop wasting my time on him or hoping that he would change, didn’t mean that I woke up the next morning and felt great.
My saying enough is enough was my way of accepting that it was over and I was giving myself permission to begin the healing process.
Enter Yudy Veras Bueno. Finding Yudy was the universe telling me that I deserved to be heard. And I will forever be grateful to her for how she has changed my life.
A friend who had been to see Yudy told me she was a healer and that she could help me work through the pain and hurt. To be honest I didn’t believe that she could. I didn’t believe anyone could help me but I was willing to try anything to stop feeling this enormous amount of pain and to keep me from reverting back to my old ways of coping.
I’ve been in therapy since I was 18 years old and with my current therapist for over 10 years. She is amazing and has truly helped me through some very difficult times in my life. But I needed more. I needed someone that could go inside and transform my soul. I needed Yudy.
Yudy is a soul surgeon. She helps you release the pain and the suffering so that you can face the stuff from your past and not repeat patterns.
It is hard to explain, but it truly is like you tap into those parts of yourself that have been suffering for so long and surgically remove them if they need to be removed or you embody/embrace them, tell them it is ok, comfort them, and bring them back into your life in a healthier way.
The journey towards self-discovery and healing is not easy. I am not going to sugarcoat it for you. It is painful. There were times that I honestly didn’t think I would get through it. Breaking up and breaking away from an emotionally abusive relationship is extremely difficult. My self worth was already in the toilet while I was in the relationship, so you can imagine how much worse I felt when the relationship ended. I was so scared to be alone.
Yudy helped me dig deep inside my soul, find the “shit” and bring it to the surface so that it could be dealt with and released. She helped me to find my inner strength and energy so that I could understand it, process it and move on.
It is so important that you trust the process and allow yourself to feel. You don’t have to be strong all the time. The struggle to stay on the path and keep moving forward is real, but you have to do it if you want to truly heal. Both Yudy and my therapist say that you have to “trust the process.”
“It will all work out. Now, it may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does, but believe me, it will work out exactly as it’s supposed to. Our job is to have zero expectations and just let go.” – Ted Lasso
I thought that I knew what trusting the process meant, but I don’t think I truly grasped the true meaning until I started working with Yudy. When you trust the process, you let go and allow yourself to live in the moment. Feeling it. Accepting it. Owning it.
Yudy talks about how we need to feel things so that we can actually process them. We tell ourselves all the time that we are ok and try to shut out the pain. But we need to allow our heart to break. Intellectually we can think about our heart breaking and say it hurts, but what does that actually feel like.
Yudy has you look inside yourself, identify the emotions – What does it look like? What color is it? Where do you feel it in your body? How heavy is it? What shape is it? By asking these questions, Yudy helps you to see and feel your emotions as tangible objects, which makes it easier for us to process and understand them.
So when someone asks you, what does it actually look and feel like when your heart breaks into a million pieces, you can tell them.
Over the next few months I gave myself permission to feel awful. To neglect everyone and everything but myself. I was selfish. And I had to be selfish in order to come out selfless on the other side. I gave myself permission to be sad and angry. Losing the relationship was like dealing with the death of a loved one, and I had to go through the grieving process. I had to let myself off the hook for a while. I couldn’t distract myself with work or going out with friends. Distractions are good, but if you allow yourself to be distracted all the time and not go through the process of healing then you really won’t heal the wounds. Its like you have to break yourself down in order to build a stronger, healthier you.
For me it was like starting from scratch because the world I lived in was his. What made him happy, had to make me happy, what he liked, I had to like. It had to be that way. I forgot who I was, what I wanted, and what I enjoyed. I felt so lost because I really didn’t know anymore. It was really scary feeling so empty.
Everyone has their big takeaways from therapy or coaching. Mine with Yudy was awareness and learning how those human needs drive and influence my emotions and behaviors. The ability to see and understand my emotions and my responses to the triggers was priceless to me.
To be able to recognize a trigger, feel myself go for the pre-programmed response but be able to change direction and impact the outcome was something I never could have imagined being possible. As Yudy always reminded me, you can’t fix something that you aren’t aware of.
Your subconscious does a great job of protecting you. Survival is the number one priority and we learn to survive and exist in this world based on our past experiences. In my relationship I learned that if I fought back that I would get treated badly. So I stopped fighting back to protect myself. I stopped being me.
Like I said, a year has gone by since we broke up and I would be lying if I didn’t still think about him. I still wonder what he is doing or who he is with and I don’t know if I will ever completely stop wondering.
The hardest thing after the break up was not idealizing him and the relationship. I remember thinking about how amazing he was and that I missed him so much, but what I really missed was having someone in my life. I missed the idea of him. I missed the version of him that didn’t exist but that I had told myself was still there and if I hung around long enough he would show up. Working with Yudy helped me to see that I had to tell myself that he was a great guy and that he had all of these redeeming qualities because why else would I have stayed with someone who treated me so badly? I needed something to hold onto, something that justified why I loved him.
Yudy encouraged me to do a lot of self-reflection. I wrote out everything he had ever done to me that was hurtful to remind myself why I was better off without him.
And when it gets really bad and I feel like I want him back or I want to reach out to him I ask myself this question. “Would I be able to have the life that I have now if I were to go back to him?” The answer is a hard NO.
I wouldn’t be able to hang out with my friends, travel, focus on my business. I would go back to walking on eggshells, feeling anxious all the time, and never getting to do the things that I want to do. I would go back to putting his needs above my own. So when I do have my moments of weakness, when I want to reach out to him, I remind myself of what my life would be like if I did.
I want to share my life with someone. But I am no longer willing to give up my life to be with someone. Sharing a life with someone doesn’t mean giving up everything for that person. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your needs.
I am not writing this series so that you feel bad for me. Don’t feel bad for me. I don’t. I got my shit together. I am telling you this so you know it is ok to feel really crappy before you feel better. At one point I was so low that I didn’t think I would be able to live through it. It is normal to feel that way at first.
You are ok. You are not alone. You have a lifeline. Yudy is your lifeline.
In the 3rd and final blog in this series I will talk about my life now and how wonderful it can be when you choose yourself. The opportunities that present themselves when your heart and mind are open to receiving them.